Observations and Reflections
by AZGirl
Summary: An obviously broken man stands beside a recently-filled grave. A bespectacled man in a three-piece suit watches from afar. Spoilers for everything up to and including episode, 3.10 "The Devil's Share."
1. Chapter One: Offering

**Disclaimer**: Person of Interest is not mine. I'm just borrowing the concepts and characters for a little while.

**Spoilers**: Everything up to and including episode, 3.10 "The Devil's Share," is fair game.

**A/N**: I've been thinking about what Reese would do post-"The Devil's Share." The press release for 3.11 "Lethe" confirmed one of my suspicions/guesses, but the promo made this story AU.

**Warning!** It's quite possible you might need a tissue for this one…

**ooooooo**

**Chapter One: Offering**

The wind blew his coat open and he shivered. It had been weeks since he had last been outside, and in the interim, the weather had turned bitter cold despite the bright, sunny day.

ooooooo

He had finally been deemed well enough to get around on his own and had been released from the well-meaning clutches of Finch, Fusco, and Bear. He was pretty sure that Shaw, in her own unique way, had cared too, but it was unclear if it was because she considered him a friend or was annoyed that she had had to pick up his slack while he was recovering.

Waiting barely five minutes after Finch had deposited him back in his apartment before turning right back around and leaving again. His wounds still bothered him and he was still fighting the fatigue that had plagued his recovery, but he put both issues to the back of his mind.

Along the way to his final destination, he stopped at one of the many bolt holes that he had set up around the City with emergency caches in case he had needed to make a quick getaway. Pulling out the extra set of clothes and shoes that he had stashed away, he changed into them. Keeping only one small item that he had been carrying with him in his pocket, he left behind everything else that he had been wearing. He wanted to make sure that Finch had no way of tracking him and didn't trust anything that his employer had had access to in recent weeks. Grabbing the backpack filled with essentials, he left the now burned hideaway through the back entrance.

It had taken longer than he had wanted to get to where he needed to go, but eventually he found the recent addition to the sea of stone memorials.

ooooooo

He put his hands in his coat pockets, drawing the wool fabric closer around himself, but at this point he didn't think he would ever be warm again. His fingers sought out the only item he had in his pockets, the only thing he wasn't carrying in his backpack, and he clasped it tight in his hand. Despite how cold he felt, the metal in his hand instantly began to warm up.

The words on the grave marker before him deepened his sense of loss and acted as a condemnation to his recent attempt at vengeance.

_Don't let this…_

They were her last words.

He knew what she had been trying to say. He knew, but in the surge of despair and rage over her dying in his arms, he had allowed his darker nature to completely take over.

Not caring about the carnage he left behind or the fact that he was dying, he had sought revenge.

And he had failed.

He had failed in so many ways.

Failed to fulfill his purpose. Failed to protect Joss. Failed to honor her sacrifice. Failed to kill Quinn. Failed to make Simmons pay. Failed to take Carter's last words to heart.

In working with Finch, he had distanced himself from his dark and twisted past and had striven to do better and to be a better person.

He had had a purpose, and he had turned his back on it.

_Don't let this…_

_Don't let this…make you lose yourself again_.

It was too late; he was already lost. He had lost himself the moment Joss's soul had fled her body.

He was lost and didn't know if he had the strength to find himself or his purpose again. He wasn't even sure if Finch would ever want him back again. He wouldn't blame Finch for _not_ wanting him back. He didn't deserve another chance.

_Don't let this…change your mind_.

While trapped in the City Morgue, they had spoken about the closest they had come to dying and he had admitted that he had almost taken his own life. He had finally confessed that she had helped to change his mind.

Somehow that had stuck in his mind as he had recovered from his gunshot wounds.

ooooooo

He took his hand out of his pocket. Stepping forward, he set the small object in his hand on top of Joss's gravestone.

It wasn't the same one that he had given his friend; that one had been lost in the interim. It may not be the same exact bullet, but for all intents and purposes, it was the same. It would have to be close enough.

Leaving the bullet on her grave was a promise that he wouldn't kill himself. He wouldn't take the easy way out. He deserved to live with his pain and with his failure. He deserved to live on without the forgiveness that only _she_ could bestow on him.

He closed his eyes and felt an errant tear slip down his face. After a deep breath, he reopened his eyes and finally found himself able to say what he had wanted for weeks to tell her.

"I'm sorry, Joss."

He bowed his head and turned his back on the gravestone. Her last words came back into his head as he walked away from the graveyard and from everything he had thought he had built for himself in New York City.

_Don't let this…_.

_I don't know if I can Joss, but I will try_.

ooooooo

A bespectacled man in an expensive, three-piece suit watched the obviously broken man walk away from their good friend's grave.

He had thought this might happen and he understood his tall friend's motivation, but he was exceedingly sorry to see Reese leave everything behind.

Finch could only hope that John would someday rediscover his purpose.

He had already lost too many friends; he didn't want to lose this one.

**ooooooo**

_To be continued…_

**ooooooo**

**A/N:** This was originally only going to be one chapter, but Finch insisted on having his say. ;0)

_**Thanks for reading!**_


	2. Chapter Two: Letting Go

**Disclaimer and Spoilers**: See Chapter One

**Warning!** You may still want to have a tissue handy…

**ooooooo**

**Chapter Two: Letting Go**

Partially hidden by the shade of a distant tree, he watched his friend silently standing in front of a recently filled grave. It had been weeks since he had last been to the cemetery, and in the interim, the weather had turned bitter and cold despite the bright, sunny day.

ooooooo

When he had left Reese's apartment earlier, he'd had a feeling that the younger man would not remain there for very long. During his convalescence, John had begun to heal physically, but mentally…those wounds were still raw and exposed. His friend's grief was out there for everyone to see.

John didn't really bother to hide it from him and didn't seem to care that his friends caught glimpses as well. He didn't seem to care about much of anything at all, and had spent the last few weeks simply existing. Barely talking, barely eating, Reese somehow continued to regain some semblance of restored health.

Throughout those same weeks, he had been forced to live with his guilt over Detective Carter's death and John's most recent, life-threatening injuries.

He felt responsible for what had happened to both of his friends just like he had felt responsible for Nathan's untimely death. Rationally, he knew that in creating the Machine, he had indirectly saved many, countless lives, but all of the lives lost because of it weighed heavily upon him. He did not set the bomb off, but his actions had directly contributed to Nathan's death.

Now the same could be said about Carter. He hadn't been the one to pull the trigger, but his actions, or rather inaction, had directly contributed to her death and John's current state.

Could he have prevented what had happened to Reese and Detective Carter if he had accepted Root's help and set her free when Reese's Number had come up? Could he have prevented Reese from having to endure another soul-crushing loss?

John had barely endured the loss of his first love and had been contemplating taking his own life before being found by a 'bored rich guy' who had offered him a job. He shuddered to think of how different his life might be without the younger man's skills and friendship.

He was no stranger to loss himself and was so tired of enduring, but it seemed that it was what he must continue to do. At his core, Reese was a protector, and he knew that his friend thought he had failed in his purpose. They had lost people, Numbers, before, but this loss was almost unbearable to him. He could only imagine how unbearable it was for John.

At least this time, Death had not taken his closest friend, like it had once taken Nathan. At least this time, he could hope Reese would find his way back from the darkness that had once again enshrouded him.

He was absolutely convinced that he had found the best person to help him in his quest, to aid him with his own purpose. He wasn't ready to lose his partner and friend, but he had already deduced that he must for now.

The Numbers never stopped coming and he would continue on with or without his friend. Admittedly, he much preferred continuing _with_ his friend than without. The burden of the mission had seemed easier to endure once he had hired Reese and had somehow become friends with him, but at least with Shaw, Fusco, and Bear he did not have to carry on alone.

ooooooo

He had been there when the doctor had informed them that Reese was well enough to go home the following day. It was by accident that he had caught this determined look in his friend's eyes before they went blank again.

It was then that he had known that today he would be saying goodbye to his employee, his partner, his friend.

Last night, he had made sure to set aside time to have a nice dinner with Reese in the guise of celebrating the younger man's imminent release from medical care. John had pretended to enjoy himself and he had pretended not to know what his friend was planning.

He wouldn't stop Reese. Granted, he had entertained the thought of stopping John, but he thought he understood and had mostly accepted the choice the younger man was making.

ooooooo

Reese suddenly took one of his hands out of his pockets and then stepped forward, reaching towards Carter's gravestone. From that distance, he couldn't see clearly, but it looked as though John had left something on top of it.

Moments later, Reese bowed his head and turned his back on Joss's grave.

This was it. This was the moment he had been dreading. Mr. Reese was leaving and he wasn't sure if the younger man would ever return.

Watching his friend walk away and not going after him, not convincing him to stay was one of the most difficult things he had ever done.

It suddenly occurred to him that despite whatever evasive measures that Mr. Reese had taken to avoid being found by him, that they wouldn't work on the Machine. The Machine saw everything; it would keep watch over his wandering friend.

Turning and walking away in the direction opposite the one that Reese had taken, Harold found that it was easier to let his friend go, knowing that, in a sense, John would not be alone either.

ooooooo

As he turned and walked away from Joss's grave, he spotted a figure somewhat hidden by the shade of a distant tree.

He had thought this might happen and he understood his friend's motivation, but he hadn't wanted anyone to know he had left everything behind until it was too late.

Reese could only hope that Finch would someday forgive him.

He had already lost too many friends; he didn't want to lose this one.

**ooooooo**

_The end._

**ooooooo**

**A/N:** I hadn't planned on it, but I went ahead and wrote a sequel to this story called "Wanderings." It's about John's adventures on the road and what finally brings him home again.

Thanks to _ncismom_ for the beta. Lingering errors remain my fault.

_**Thanks for reading!**_


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